Spotting an energy vampire is the easy part. You already know who it is: the name on your phone that makes your shoulders drop, the visit that takes a day to recover from. The hard part is what to do next, especially when that person is your mother, your brother or your oldest friend.
In Emotional Vampires, Coach Daniel Ratner gives a practical answer. He calls them Emotional Vampires: people who suck the energy out of you and leave you emotionally drained. His approach is not to cut everyone off. It is to decide where each person belongs in your life, then protect yourself from the ones you have to keep.
Key takeaways
- First decide what role the person plays. If there is no meaningful reason for them to be in your life, the book suggests you may be better off without them.
- If they have to stay (a parent, a sibling, a client), the goal is a healthier relationship, and healthy does not have to mean close.
- Limit access: time-box calls and visits, and meet on neutral ground where it is easy to leave.
- Don’t feed them emotion. Short, calm responses work better than defending yourself.
- Spend more of your time with “Keepers”: people who are kind, peaceful, empathic and respectful.
What is an energy vampire?
An energy vampire, or what Ratner calls an Emotional Vampire, is someone who drains your emotional energy. The book sorts them into types, from the mild (the Non-Stop Talkers) to the far more toxic (the Projectors, who accuse you of the very things they have done to you). Others include the Perpetual Victim, the Narcissist, the Drama Queen and the Overly Dependent.
The book makes two points worth keeping in mind. First, they are more often family than strangers: a parent, sibling or relative you feel obligated to deal with. Second, someone who fits one type often fits several. If you want the warning signs first, start with 7 signs someone is draining your energy. This article is about what to do once you know.
Should you cut an energy vampire out of your life?
Sometimes. Ratner’s first step is to work out what role the person plays. If there is no meaningful reason for them to be in your life, he suggests asking whether you would be better off without them. If their presence is essential, like a parent, sibling or client, the job is to make the relationship healthier instead.
For friends, the book offers what it calls a Friendship Audit. Some of its questions:
- If you no longer shared the same interests, would you still be friends?
- Do you genuinely look forward to spending time with them?
- Do you feel drained or need to recover after hanging out?
- Do you hesitate to respond to their messages?
- Are you holding on only because of nostalgic memories from childhood?
Behind all of them is one question: “Is the price of admission worth it?” Ratner notes that being friends in fourth grade does not mean you have to be friends for life, and that letting a friendship go can make space for more peace and for the people who really are your friends.
How do you deal with an energy vampire you can’t avoid?
Start by naming what drains you. The book’s list for family relationships: constant criticism, neediness or guilt-tripping, unresolved resentment, a lack of boundaries, or emotional volatility. Then decide what “healthy” means for you. It does not have to mean close. It might mean no drama, feeling emotionally safe and being respected, even if you only talk once a month.
From there, the book suggests limiting access:
- Time-box it. Decide in advance how long a call or visit will last. You can tell them the limit up front, or simply have a reason to go.
- Pick neutral ground. Meet somewhere it is easy to leave if things go wrong.
- Stop being on call. Ratner points out that having a phone does not mean you have to answer it, and a text does not demand an instant reply. If you keep making yourself available to Emotional Vampires, they will keep making themselves available to you.
His own example: the day before his mother met his future in-laws, he sat her down and set clear terms. He wanted her in his life and his future children’s lives, but only if the relationship was free of the dysfunction he had seen growing up. She chose the relationship, and he describes the years that followed as peaceful and respectful. As the book puts it, “Let go of the idea that love means unlimited access.”
What should you say when they try to start a fight?
Less. Ratner writes that many Emotional Vampires, especially narcissists and drama queens, feed on emotion. If you don’t give them an emotional reaction, there is nothing to feed on. You cannot change them, but you can change how you react.
| Try saying | Avoid |
|---|---|
| “I’ll have to think about this.” | Defending yourself endlessly. You are not going to win. |
| “I need some time to digest what you said.” | Explaining your every thought. |
| “It’s best if we don’t discuss this when we are emotional.” | Trying to make them understand. They don’t want to. |
| “We’ll have to agree to disagree.” | Insults or provocation. They just add fuel. |
The book also advises framing what you say around “I” rather than “you”, and notes that sometimes silence, or simply changing the subject, is the best answer.
How do you stop their drama from getting to you?
Ratner’s tool for this is ESP: Emotional Separation and Protection. He compares it to putting Rain-X on a windshield. The rain still falls, but it beads up and slides off, and you can see clearly. Their comments, drama and guilt trips still come, but they don’t stick.
He admits it takes mental preparation. Go into the family event expecting the criticism or the chaos, decide in advance that you won’t absorb it, and it gets easier each time.
Who should you spend your energy on instead?
The other half of dealing with energy vampires is making room for people who give energy back. The book calls them Keepers, from an acronym Ratner’s wife came up with. The letters stand for Kind, Ego, Envy, Peaceful, Empathic and Respectful, with a twist: Ego and Envy are the deal-breakers. The people worth keeping are the ones who are kind, peaceful, empathic and respectful.
He also shares a line he teaches often: you are generally only as happy as your worst relationship. Managing the draining one and investing in the Keepers both move that number.
Protect your happiness without the guilt
Dealing with an energy vampire comes down to three moves: decide whether they belong in your life, limit how much of you they can reach, and stop handing them the emotional reactions they feed on. None of it requires a dramatic confrontation.
For all the types of Emotional Vampires and how to handle each one, read Emotional Vampires. You can also take the free 2-minute relationship quiz, or read how to set boundaries with family.
Frequently asked questions
How do you deal with an energy vampire?
Decide what role they play in your life. If there is no real reason to keep them, consider letting the relationship go. If you must keep them, limit their access with time-boxed calls and visits, keep your reactions calm and short, and don’t give them the emotion they feed on.
How do you deal with an energy vampire in your family?
Emotional Vampires suggests naming exactly what drains you, such as criticism, guilt-tripping or volatility, and then deciding what a healthy relationship looks like for you. Healthy does not have to mean close. Clear boundaries, time limits and meeting on neutral ground all help.
What should you say to an emotional vampire?
Short, neutral lines work best: “I’ll have to think about this,” “It’s best if we don’t discuss this when we are emotional,” or “We’ll have to agree to disagree.” Avoid defending yourself endlessly or trying to win the argument.
Should you cut off an energy vampire?
Sometimes. The book asks whether the price of admission is worth it. If someone is not a vital part of your life and keeps draining you, you may be better off without them. For people you can’t walk away from, it recommends boundaries instead.