Most people are waiting for a feeling: a certainty that arrives one day and settles the question. When it doesn’t come, or comes and goes, they are left wondering whether he is the one or whether they are settling.
Sunscreen Love by Coach Daniel Ratner offers a steadier way to decide. It starts from a simple premise: you are not looking for a perfect person. As the book puts it, everyone has issues and no one is perfect, but there is someone who is perfect for you. The job is to recognize him, and that takes more than a feeling.
Key takeaways
- Feelings alone can mislead you. Sunscreen Love separates the feeling of love from its definition, and you need both.
- Real love is about giving, not about what the other person does for you.
- Love means recognizing his virtues and continuing to appreciate them, even once his flaws show.
- Check whether he loves himself. The book suggests asking directly.
- You may not know your type until you meet him. A written list of qualities is more reliable than an old image of your “type”.
Is there a sign that he’s the one?
Not a single sign, and the book is wary of relying on the feeling alone. When you ask someone how they know they are in love, Ratner notes, they usually describe a feeling, and feelings can lead you astray. That is why Sunscreen Love gives love two parts: what it feels like, and what it is.
On the feeling, the book is clear:
“The feeling of love is when you want to give to someone without expecting anything in return”
Infatuation, by contrast, is driven by attraction to something you want, and it can cloud your judgment. If you are not sure which one you are feeling, read infatuation vs. love: how to tell the difference.
Do you love him, or what he gives you?
The book borrows a concept from Rabbi Abraham Twerski called “fish love.” If you love eating fish, you don’t love the fish. You love the taste and the pleasure it gives you. Fish love in a relationship means each partner is looking out for what they can get, and the other person becomes a vehicle for their gratification.
So ask yourself honestly: is this about what he does for me, or do I want to give to him? Ratner’s point is that the deepest giving is not gifts but being emotionally available: your time, your attention and your vulnerability.
Do you admire who he really is?
This is the definition side. Sunscreen Love defines love as the emotional pleasure you feel when you recognize another person’s virtues, and keep appreciating them throughout your life. Everyone has quirks, and almost anyone you marry will eventually cause you some pain. What carries a marriage is staying focused on why you chose him.
The book also warns that some traits look minor while dating and grow over time. A short temper you notice now may not seem like a reason to end things, but twenty years later, under one roof, it can intensify or simply become more noticeable. Seeing his virtues clearly does not mean ignoring what is in front of you.
Does he love himself?
This is one of the book’s less obvious tests. During what it calls the Research Phase, Ratner says to make sure the person you are considering genuinely loves himself. If you think he could be “the one,” the book suggests asking him directly. He may never have been asked, and the answer can reveal hidden wounds.
Ratner’s reasoning is that personal issues don’t vanish once you find love. You must love yourself first to be open to loving someone else. He describes dating a woman who was deeply unhappy with herself. Once they moved past the early Crush Phase, red flags began to appear, and he ended the relationship because her unhappiness stood in the way of anything healthy. If you hope a partner will solve his problems by being with you, the book warns, the problems usually stay and both of you end up unhappy.
What if he’s not your type?
He might still be the one. Sunscreen Love has a whole chapter titled “You Don’t Know Your Type… Until You Meet Your Type.” Ratner writes that neither he nor his wife was the other’s type at first. They became each other’s type after they met and got to know each other.
Your “type”, he argues, is often a picture formed long ago, maybe from a childhood crush on someone with a certain smile or hair color. Attraction based only on looks fades, and what sustains a marriage is a deeper connection. The book also notes that attraction often grows the better you know and appreciate someone.
How can you check if he’s right for you?
Instead of an old picture, the book offers the Soulmate Discovery Worksheet. It takes about 30 minutes with a blank sheet of paper:
- If you could live with any animal in the world, which would it be? List three qualities you love about it.
- List at least five qualities you want in a spouse.
- Think of happily married couples you admire and list three qualities that make them special.
- Pick a positive role model, such as a grandparent, friend or teacher, and list three qualities you admire.
- List three or more of your own challenging traits.
Then combine the first four lists into one master list, add qualities that would balance out your own challenging traits, and rank the top ten. The book’s advice is direct: “If you find someone who possesses most of the top 10 qualities, especially the top 3, marry them!”
Before you get engaged, the book also asks three questions about attraction, shared purpose and respect. We cover them in how long you should date before marriage.
Not perfect, but perfect for you
Knowing he is the one is less about a lightning bolt and more about clear answers. You want to give to him, not just receive. You admire his virtues and can live with his flaws. He is at peace with himself. And he has most of the qualities that matter most to you, even if he looks nothing like the type you imagined.
For the full path through the four phases of love, read Sunscreen Love. You can also take the free 2-minute relationship quiz.
Frequently asked questions
How do you know if he is the one?
Sunscreen Love suggests looking past the feeling alone. Ask whether you want to give to him without expecting anything back, whether you admire his virtues, whether he loves himself, and whether he has most of the top qualities on your own written list.
Should you just know when you meet the one?
Not necessarily. The book argues that you often don’t know your type until you meet your type. Ratner writes that he and his wife were not each other’s type at first and only became each other’s type after getting to know one another.
What is “fish love”?
A concept the book borrows from Rabbi Abraham Twerski. You love fish for the taste, not because you love the fish. In a relationship it means valuing a partner for what they give you, rather than wanting to give to them.
Does he need to love himself before he can love you?
The book says yes: you must love yourself first to be open to loving someone else. It suggests asking a serious partner directly whether he loves himself, because the question can reveal hidden wounds.