Six months? Two years? Five? Everyone seems to have a number. Meanwhile, plenty of couples keep dating year after year without either of them deciding anything.
In Sunscreen Love, Coach Daniel Ratner takes a clear position: if you are dating with marriage in mind, the answer is usually months, not years. What matters more than the calendar is what you find out in those months, and whether anything is clouding your judgment while you do.
Key takeaways
- The book gives no magic number, but it argues that dating for more than a few months should be enough time to see whether you are compatible.
- Give someone at least three dates before deciding. First dates are distorted by nerves and by looks.
- After a month or two of really getting to know each other, you begin to figure out whether the relationship is worth investing in.
- When couples date for years without a decision, the book says it is often because of physical attachment or unclear goals.
How long should you date before getting married?
Long enough to know, and no longer than that. Ratner does not set a fixed deadline, but he is direct about what he sees go wrong. Writing about couples who date for years without being willing to commit, he asks:
“Wouldn’t you think that dating for more than a few months should be enough time to see if you are compatible?”
His follow-up is just as blunt: what are people waiting for? In his view, the length of a relationship is not what tells you whether to marry. What you learn about each other in that time is.
What should happen in the first few months?
Sunscreen Love breaks love into four phases: the Crush, the Research, the Commitment and Never Leaving. The question of how long to date lives in the first two, and the book gives each one a rough length.
| Stage | Roughly when | What you are finding out |
|---|---|---|
| The Crush Phase | The first few dates | Is there a spark? If there is none after a few dates, the book says it is likely time to move on. |
| The Three Date Rule | At least three dates | Who they are once first-date nerves and first impressions wear off. |
| The Research Phase | The first month or two of real dating | Their likes and dislikes, how you connect emotionally, and whether it is still worth investing. |
| The decision | A few months in | Whether you are compatible enough to commit to a future together. |
The early stage gets its own rule because first dates are a poor guide. Ratner describes being so nervous on first dates that he ordered plain lettuce to avoid spilling anything on his shirt. He also describes what he calls “First Date Bias”: the better-looking someone is, the more likely a second date. Three dates give you a chance to get past both.
The Research Phase is where the real decision gets made. He writes that after a month or two of the Research Phase, you begin to figure out whether the relationship is still worth investing in.
Why do some couples date for years without deciding?
Ratner points to two common reasons: physical attachment, and a lack of clarity about why they are dating at all. Either one can create what he calls a false sense of comfort, which he says is not conducive to building a passionate marriage.
On physical intimacy, he argues that it clouds your judgment: once emotions take over, your intellect goes out the window. That makes it easy to confuse infatuation with love, and harder to walk away from someone who is not right for you, often out of fear of being alone.
The fix he offers is clarity from the start. If you want to get married, say so to yourself, and decide that you will not keep dating someone exclusively unless you believe they have real potential as a spouse.
What should you know before you get engaged?
Time is only useful if you spend it finding out the things that matter. The book’s chapter “The Three Questions You Must Ask Before Getting Married” gives you the questions to answer. The third question comes in a version for men and a version for women.
- Am I physically attracted to this person? Most people say yes. But if you are still struggling with their appearance during the Crush or Research Phase, Ratner says that feeling probably will not change.
- Do we share a meaningful purpose in life? Not just common interests like the same shows or hobbies, which tend to fade once work and children fill the calendar. He means the big picture: children, values, and how you want to spend your life together.
- For a man: am I willing to make her happy for the rest of my life? Picture your partner twenty or thirty years from now, after the strain of children, careers and time, and see if the answer is still yes.
- For a woman: do I respect my future husband? Do you admire who he is now, not who he might become? As Ratner puts it, “If you’re not happy with them now, chances are you won’t be happy later.”
Ratner offers these questions to people who feel unsure whether to marry the person they are dating. Use the months you date to answer them honestly.
Can infatuation make you decide too fast?
Yes. The book warns that infatuation can blind you to red flags. It tells the story of a former student who asked for advice after five dates with a man who barely had time to talk to her and sometimes drove recklessly. She kept excusing his behavior. Ratner’s question to her was simple: if you are already making this many excuses while he is on his best behavior, what will marriage look like?
The answer is clarity, not a calendar
The right amount of time to date before marriage is however long it takes to answer the big questions honestly. The book’s view is that for someone dating with marriage in mind, a few months should be enough. If years have gone by and nothing has been decided, it points to physical attachment or unclear goals, not a lack of time.
For the full guide to all four phases of love, read Sunscreen Love. You can also take the free 2-minute relationship quiz, or read infatuation vs. love: how to tell the difference.
Frequently asked questions
How many months should you date before getting engaged?
Sunscreen Love does not give an exact number. It argues that dating for more than a few months should be enough time to see whether you are compatible, as long as you use that time to really get to know each other.
How many dates before you know if someone is right for you?
Ratner’s Three Date Rule says to give someone at least three dates, unless there are obvious red flags, before deciding. After that, a month or two of getting to know each other is when you begin to figure out whether the relationship is worth investing in.
Is dating for many years without getting engaged a red flag?
It can be. The book says couples who date for years without committing are often held there by physical attachment or by not being clear about their goals, which creates a false sense of comfort rather than real progress toward marriage.
What questions should you ask before getting married?
Sunscreen Love asks: Am I physically attracted to this person? Do we share a meaningful purpose in life? Then, for a man: am I willing to make her happy for the rest of my life? For a woman: do I respect my future husband?