“Just love yourself” is easy advice to give and hard advice to follow. Nobody wakes up one morning and decides to feel good about themselves. If it were that simple, you would have done it already.
Never Feel Unloved Again by Coach Daniel Ratner treats self-love as something you build with practice, not something you declare. The second half of the book lays out 12 strategies for overcoming low self-esteem, which it calls an excellent starting point for loving yourself. This article walks through the five that are most about daily practice.
Key takeaways
- The book treats loving yourself as a prerequisite for being able to love someone else.
- Self-love is quiet. Boasting and fishing for compliments are, in the book’s view, signs of low self-esteem, not confidence.
- Five practical strategies: set a goal, make life fun, join something that needs you, exercise, and pray or meditate.
- You don’t need all of them. Pick the few that fit you and commit to those.
Why does loving yourself matter?
Because it shapes every other relationship you have. Ratner puts it plainly:
“If you don’t love yourself, it will be a difficult task to love others.”
The book calls loving yourself a prerequisite for being capable of loving someone else, and a prerequisite to a happy marriage. It also warns that people who never put in the effort to improve their self-esteem can end up single, or in poor relationships, potentially for life. If you want to understand where the feeling of not being good enough comes from in the first place, start with why do I feel unloved.
What does real self-love look like?
Not what many people expect. The book is skeptical of loud confidence. Ratner writes that those who boast the most often tend to have the least confidence, and that someone who is genuinely secure has no need to brag. He describes meeting a young coin dealer who bragged about his trades and made him feel small. A decade later the man had left the business and most of the bravado was gone. The book calls this “fake confidence.”
Fishing for compliments is the same pattern. Ratner admits he used to ask for feedback after his talks until he realized he was really asking to be praised. The book lists the giveaways: boasting about accomplishments, pretending not to know your good qualities so someone will remind you, and running yourself down to bait a compliment. Its advice: do your best, accept that you cannot please everyone, and “leave the fishing to the fisherman.”
So real self-love is not a performance. It is being at peace with yourself whether or not anyone is clapping.
How do you learn to love yourself?
By doing things that give you reasons to. These five strategies from the book are the most practical:
- Set a new goal for yourself. Working toward something new and challenging shifts your focus away from low self-esteem.
- Make life fun. Find the play in ordinary tasks, from cooking to waiting for an elevator.
- Synchronize with others. Join a group that depends on you, such as a chorus, band or team.
- Exercise. The book calls it probably the most important ingredient for raising self-esteem.
- Meditate or pray. Turn your attention to something larger than yourself.
Why set a goal if you might not reach it?
Because the point is not only the goal. The book says the primary aim is to build your self-esteem and confidence along the way. It recommends SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound) so you don’t set yourself up for a letdown. “Getting in shape by the end of the year” is vague; running a 10k race is a SMART goal.
If even that feels like too much, the book suggests starting with something you know you can do: make your bed and hang up your towel every morning. Don’t punish yourself for missed days either. As Ratner says about running, if you can’t do your full distance, do half a mile or take a rest day: “Something is always better than nothing.” In the book’s words, setting goals will help your self-esteem even if you don’t achieve them.
Can having fun really help?
The book thinks so. If something feels like a joyless chore, you avoid it; if it feels like a game, you keep playing. Ratner makes flying fun by treating it as an experience rather than a meal and a seat, and calls it “the attitude of gratitude at altitude.” His other ideas are deliberately small: race whoever is with you up the stairs, sing while you cook, dance when you hear music, or get a dog.
Exercise belongs in the same daily rhythm. The book favors running, says brisk walking with steep hills also works but takes longer, and suggests that a consistent routine can show results within a few weeks.
Why does being needed help you love yourself?
Because it is hard to think little of yourself when others depend on you. Ratner sang in a chorus from 7th to 12th grade and describes the feeling of being part of something larger. The book draws a sharp line here: a spinning class carries on without you, but if you left a chorus, you would most likely have to be replaced. Look for groups like community theatre, a band, an orchestra or a swim team, where each person plays a real role.
The book sees prayer and meditation working the same way. Both direct your attention to something greater than yourself. Prayer, in Ratner’s view, is a relationship in which you are not just wanted but needed, and he suggests that showing love and gratitude to the one who created you makes it easier to show love and gratitude to yourself.
Start with the ones that fit you
The book does not expect you to do everything. As it says, hopefully no one has to focus on all 12 strategies; the key is finding the few that resonate with you and committing to them. Pick one from this list for the next month. If people pleasing is part of your story, how to stop being a people pleaser covers two more of the book’s strategies, rejection therapy and living by your core values.
All 12 strategies, along with the symptoms of low self-esteem, are in Never Feel Unloved Again. You can also take the free 2-minute relationship quiz.
Frequently asked questions
How do you start loving yourself?
Never Feel Unloved Again suggests starting with practice rather than feelings. Set a small, achievable goal, make everyday tasks fun, join a group that depends on you, exercise regularly, and make time for prayer or meditation. You don’t need all of them; pick the ones that fit.
Do you have to love yourself before you can love someone else?
The book says yes. It calls loving yourself a prerequisite for being capable of loving someone else, and warns that if you don’t love yourself, loving others will be difficult.
Is confidence the same as self-love?
Not always. The book describes “fake confidence”: people who boast the most often have the least confidence. Real self-love does not need constant self-promotion or compliments from others.
Does exercise help with self-esteem?
The book calls exercise probably the most important ingredient for raising self-esteem. It recommends running, or brisk walking with hills, as a consistent part of your routine.